Letter for him

Hey there,

It's been awhile hasn't it? I know things didn't end on a good note. I decided to step away. At the time, it had just hit me. That I would never see you again. It had been about a year since the last time we saw each other. We didn't talk about it. It stung. Everything I had been holding up to that point. The thought of not ever being able to be in your presence. To look into your eyes. Watch you smile. A wave of sadness washed me away and my words came out of nowhere.

I take walks through the time. I see myself watching you watching me. I see where I went wrong. How I spent so much time hurting. Afraid that you would up and leave. That you would lose interest in me. So I tried extra hard to turn myself inside out. To show you what you really meant to me...What I have to say now...What I'm afraid to tell you directly...I am sorry. Hindsight is 20/20. Things I said and did were not out of ill intention. I spent a lot of that time wounded. Afraid of abandonment. Afraid of being left behind. All the hurt and pain of my experiences bubbled up and erupted. I told you what was going on in my life. All the things that were missing. What I was looking for, I saw in you. I saw so many things in your eyes. I saw all your potential. I saw all the places I wanted to see with you. All the hotels we could have stayed in. All the walks in the woods. I wanted it all so bad, so much that I left myself unchecked. My private thoughts were on display for you. The good and the bad. I'm sorry.

All I have now are these glimpses. Like looking into an alternate timeline. I see you there. Those eyes and your smile. The golden boy. So beautiful. Radiant. The most important one in any room you're ever in. As much as I walk backward looking for you, you're always one room away and I can't ever catch up. Perhaps it's my punishment. One that I must take on. I caused you to slip away. I'm sorry. I wish I could hold you again. Tell you everything is going to be alright. Siphon your pain into my skin. You don't deserve it. All I have left are these I'm sorry's. Ones I can't tell you. I'm afraid of making contact and disturbing your peace.

I'm sorry. I'll etch it into my skin. Hold it deep inside. May you find the peace you deserve. I'll be thinking of your smile from all these miles away. Maybe one day we will look toward each other from half a state away. That's more than I could ever hope for...