Nerves

Tonight my brother is arriving. We’ve had sparse conversations since the last night we talked where he said he needed to get away. Where I invited him to come stay with me. I’m a bit nervous. What reason do I have to be though? He’s flesh and blood. We haven’t been under the same room since maybe 2 or 3 years ago at one of the holidays. The last time we spent time, we snuck away from the family and went for a high walk. Yes, we both indulged smoking green. A little guilty pleasure we picked up when we both were in college. I remember the first time we smoked together, as awkward as it was. Getting high with family. My old bedroom at our patents house has a cupboard big enough for 4 people to enter. I used it as storage for old clothes and blankets. We unrolled 2 of the blankets and made a small sitting area at the back wall. I had pulled in a small lamp connected to an extension cord and shut the small door.

There we both were, hidden away from the world late at night. He pulled out a small pipe from his sweats pocket and a Ziploc baggie. He opened it and packed the small bowl. I fished a lighter out of my shorts pocket. He handed me the bowl and asked me to do the first honor. I laughed a bit before lighting up, then passed it to him. We both proceeded for a bit before we stopped. I was sitting next to him on the cushy blanket. We weren’t laughing anymore and just sat quietly for a little while. "So how have you been?” He asked me. “I’ve been fine. You know. Working. It is nice to get away from the hustle of the city and come home and see everyone.” “Yeah.” He answered quietly. “What’s the matter?” I asked. He waited a moment before answering. “Nothing. Just crazy how we’re grown up now. We grew up in this house. Now were here smoking up.” He looked around the cramped space, then placed a hand on the wall to his left. I watched him as he traced his fingers along the bumpiness. Taking note of how thick his fingers were, illuminated warmly by the small lamp by the door. When we were in high school, we would hang out here from time to time just like now. Sitting on old blankets. Listening to music on his ipod. Memories began to come back to me. Things I hadn’t thought about in a long time. This is where we realized something about each other. Deeply buried secrets that changed our relationship.

I had always admired my older brother. We were a year and a half apart. He was a senior and I was a junior in high school. He was athletic, super in shape, and very handsome. He used to take me on runs with him on the weekend mornings. Help me get ahead of my body. Chubbiness ran in our family. Our dad had a bit of a beer belly, but too was fit in high school. My brother was determined to not let those genetics get the better of us. He would tell me that it was important to stay in shape, even if the only shared activity we partook in was the morning run. It was a time when I was discovering who I really was, and I began to notice it in myself. What I was into. One morning when we were set to go on a run, I got out of bed. His room was across from mine and from my door, I saw that his door was slightly ajar. He had just gotten out of bed too, but he was naked from the waist down. His bare ass was all that I could see. So much fur in his crack. It contrasted with his lower and mid back. Hair ran from his crack and covered his legs. The shape of it. His buttocks, was that of what I can only describe as God like. So round and shapely. This was the first time I the something in me that I did. I felt it drop into the pit of my stomach. This ball of nerves. Drops of warm water that spread through the rest of my body. What was this? I didn’t know how to describe it. My penis reacted. I felt a small jolt through the tip. I touched myself. This was when I first discovered that I was attracted to my brother…

I snapped out of my trance. He turned to look at me with this familiar look. “Do you…ever think about stuff…” He looked around the small cramped space again. I knew what he was talking about, but I didn’t want to say it. It was in this small room that we shared our first kiss. I hadn’t thought about that in so long. It felt like it had been just a phase. The two of us exploring our sexuality before discovering there was more out there. He’s had girlfriends since then. I’ve dated guys here and there and he knows about it somewhat. What I’ve cared to share. “I’ve thought about it from time to time. Wondering if we would ever end up back in here. It’s been years and I’ve missed being close to you.” That feeling came back. Like when I saw his bare ass for the first time. The ball of hot nerves in my stomach…

I got lost reminiscing and it’s almost time for me to head to the airport to pick him up. I’m very nervous and now have a wet spot on my pants. I’ll have to clean this up before I head out.