Anxious Attachment…

It seems a clear mind is an illusive thing. Being able to see my reflection properly in the mirror is but a sparse treat. When I do manage to reflect, I stare long and hard. These moments mainly arrive when things are calm. When life happens, it can block the entranceway and it will take some time to get through.

Toward the end of spring, I decided it was time for me to start letting go. I poured myself into a boy. Waited to breathe when a text from him arrived. Imagined all the things we would do, would see. Lived out a fantasy that wasn't reality. A boy can dream. Nothing wrong with that. However, I wandered too far in. Around the fall 2 years ago, I was pulled by strong emotion and gravitated heavily into him. I lost all reason. Began to shift the very foundations I had built. Depending on who you spoke to, this could be a good, or destructive thing. For me, it was a mix of both. Forcing me to let go of other things I had been carrying for too long. My partner at the time, I had already been holding a heavy burden. After he got in trouble with the law, he changed. Became a shell of his former self. Nearly just gave up on life. I didn't have a choice but to carry on for the both of us because I did care, even if the years this all took place, began to eat away at me. After countless court check ins, taking time to accompany him because he was too anxious to do so himself, I did began to grow weary. I wanted to up and leave, but didn't. I've reflected in all of this before, but I still think of it often.

The boy was all that I could think about. The world I crafted became an escape for me. The "promise" of something better. I had already previously formed a strong connection with someone else. Another someone I did feel strongly for. I came to learn that it was difficult for me to hold 2 guys in my heart, and things began to clash.

I reflected earlier this year in the spring, that this strong connection I felt in the fall 2 years ago, was an anxious attachment. He too struggled with PTSD and the related and he pulled away. That action is what caught and yanked at my heart, and I knew at the time that I did not want to lose him. This was also just after the summer in the previous post. The summer that I last felt free.

This is all going to be a continuing journey that I am working toward putting into text. The emotions and memories are all jumbled together and I am working on separating them.

Thank you.