A place for everything…
I find myself constantly traveling back. Remembering. The year my grandfather died, the year I had to move from my apartment. The year all that shit went down. How I hurt so many people. I wasn't in a good mental space and made a lot of bad decisions. I don't think people realize how bad of a head space I was in. I don't mean to make excuses for it, but it was a factor. Things hit me way harder than they should have. My own mind was working against me. Telling me people didn't care. They were abandoning me. I made decisions that altered the course of my life, and these friendships would be ending. That wasn't my intention. I never meant to hurt anyone the way I did. It was just a really fucked up time.
.....
It took me until earlier this year to finally find some peace. Going from multiple friends, to minimal was painful, but sadly necessary. I needed to learn to be ok alone. It took a long time, but I'm getting there. I know I owe people apologies. People who aren't in my life anymore...
Last year around this time, I decided I would also not chase anyone anymore. I was trying to meet new people in this new era. Sadly, I was met with disappointment. I set myself up for that one. I wasn't ready for it. To let anyone new into my heart. I was craving the need for someone to help heal me. Keep me company. No one came, and the ones who did, weren't the right ones.
Earlier this year, I decided I needed to remove myself from someone who was in my heart. My attraction to him was only hurting me. I hadn't seen them since the year before and it seemed like that day would never come. I removed myself. To gain more clarity. By that point, I imagine that they were long over me and I was just holding onto false hope. I didn't want to hurt anymore waiting for that text, any message they could send. I spent a lot of time imagining all the things we would do. Places we'd see. Hotels we'd stay in. I spent more time in that world than in reality. I learned a lot more about mental health this year as a result and am learning more about what I'm feeling. Onward march.
Is there a place for me…